Any Man of Mine... (let's pray there is one)

"Someday I'm gonna be safe in the arms of love" -Martina McBride

"I'm gonna treat you so nice, you're never gonna let me go." -Vivian (Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman)

I blame my parents for the fact that I'm so screwed up (Dad always told me parenting is the main factor in how a kid turns out). You see, at a very young age, I remember watching Pretty Woman. We're talking maybe 5 years old, I have a memory of Julia Roberts being treated like somebody special, and I remember the first time I saw the ending. The feeling I got when Edward (Richard Gere) came in the limo and "rescued" Vivian (Julia Roberts) from her balcony (well...from her life of prostitution) ... I still get that feeling. Pretty Woman is my favorite movie and I watch it often.

Perhaps I'm obsessed with happy endings because of the lack of romance in my life. Maybe it's my fault, I mean after all, fairy tales aren't real, right?

Here's how I see my fairy tale ending. I'll meet a guy (handsome and well built of course, with impeccable manners and a non-difficult mother). This guy won't be like the rest. We'll lock eyes across the lecture hall, church sanctuary, bar, street, or wherever we happen to meet, and the rest of the world will cease to exist and he'll know and I'll know and we'll fall in love and bam! Fairy tale ending complete with having a large farm (he'll let me keep a couple goats around) and adopting a couple rugrats (don't get me started on the reasons why I myself will not be reproducing).

Okay maybe "love at first sight" isn't how it needs to happen. But I am holding out for someone who doesn't exist. I want someone who respects women (ie: doesn't use them for their own selfish purposes, exploiting their innocence and humiliating them around his friends, and then abandoning them when he's "done with them"). Not that that happened to me. Except it did, and that's how I know what I'm NOT looking for.

Well that was an unintentional rant. Obviously my scars run pretty deep. Don't give me an a soapbox, or I'll preach all day about that guy (and all the others like him, apparently, there are a lot) ... all the publicity I give him is probably good for his reputation. Ha! Lesson to be learned here: don't mess with me.

He actually asked me recently if I could please stop saying bad things about him. I replied, "Oh yeah sweetheart, I'll get right on that. I'm so sorry I spread lies and rumors and tried to ruin your reputation to make myself feel better. I'll fix that immediately."

False.

...........

Does that really sound like me?

I said, "Honey, I've never told anyone anything that wasn't true. And you're responsible for your reputation, not me." And I did NOT apologize, having done nothing wrong. I tell the truth. Deal with it. You do shitty things to me...karma will get ya. In the form of my extraordinarily large social circles and blunt honesty. And really, do I need to tear you down to build myself up? Duh. Anyone who knows me knows I would never do such a thing. For starters, I absolutely adore myself (and it's mind-boggling to me that not everyone feels the same way) and I don't care what anyone else thinks, really, I don't need anyone to validate my awesomeness. It's probably unhealthy for me when they do... bighead, littlebody syndrome.

Anyway, I learned a lesson so at least some good came out of it. Back to fairy tale daydreams I have, loosely based on love songs like "Queen Of My Double Wide Trailer" (my favorite song ever), "Fishin' In The Dark," and "Drunk On You."

So my perfect guy respects women. Also, I'm looking for someone who has fun with me. He dances well, and he knows how to handle a truck on a muddy dirt road. He likes to fish and hunt, he loves to sit by a fire with a cold Busch Light in his hand,  and he doesn't mind if I stop talking/listening mid-conversation to reach over and crank the radio up whenever my favorite song (at the time) comes on the radio. He also needs to realize that I talk a lot and I only listen a little, but I always listen when it's important.

Oh and having grown up on a farm, his work ethic is off the charts. He likes my sarcasm, my honesty,  and he doesn't mind that even though I'm the responsible one most of the time, every once in a while I drink my whiskey straight out of the bottle and I get a little out of control and he has to take care of me. He also doesn't mind that I'm crazy to start with. Which is good, cause since I get a little wilder every day, I think that's just part of who I am.

He loves to go to church with me (wearing his best boots), and he helps me with my Bible verse memorization. He also needs to be okay when I start out the day with "oh fuck, I overslept!" Dad approves of him and May loves him too. Cause that'll be his mule, unless I love him enough to share Razzle. (Fat. Chance. You have to be under ten years old for that privilege.)

And he's honest. I have gigantic trust issues he'll have to overcome, and since I'm skeptical of all two-legged men (I love my boy mules), he's gonna have to prove himself and be patient with me.

Oh and last but not least, he's gonna have to love me almost as much as I love myself. Well...that's probably unreasonable. But he has to appreciate me, whether I'm wearing cowboy boots and yoga pants with a cutoff, or my best jeans and glitzy top for a night out on the town.

Let's see....I think we've just about covered it. It's called standards, and mine are off-the-charts. Again, I blame my parents for letting me watch Pretty Woman at such an early age (plus all those Disney movies...what's up with that?). Plus when I was like 6, I was parading around singing "Any Man Of Mine" and "My Baby Loves Me." I still parade around listening to those same songs. Nothing screams "high standards!" like 90's country music!

So if you ever come across a sexy, honest farm boy, would ya send him my way? He needs to be social and realize that for right now I don't come home before midnight, ever, and I'm not looking for anything permanent, I'm just not opposed to it ... eventually. It would be more romantic if I could just find him myself but I'm failing, so help me out a little.

k thanks. :)

ps. I'm a sucker for dark eyes, so you should probably not send them my way ... that's a recipe for disaster (see above story)