Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother who sins against me? Up to seven times?"
Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times." -Matthew 18: 21-22
Oy! Friends, I don't need anyone else to remind me that I "deserve better..." I KNOW I DO! I just don't think it's a fucking crime to forgive and forget and to believe in miracles. Mmmmmkay? Thanks.
Not like I'm gonna let him walk all over me again...just kinda sorta a little bit. Not like last time though, I learned. Fyi.
Keep your head, heels, and standards high. - Rules of a Lady (I saw it on Pinterest)
One of the most frustrating things in life, for me, is that I don't want all the good things I get. I lower standards and expectations just to keep people around. I did that for a guy; I lowered my standards to an embarrassing level and accepted treatment that I'm appalled at, really. And I wonder if it has damaged me, in some way, on a permanent level. Obviously there's deep wounds and they're taking "forever" to heal.
I'm way smarter than what I lowered myself to. My friends don't have to tell me I'm better than that, because I know I am. But here I am, knowing full well that God is trying to give me better things, and I'm just begging for less. Stupid, I know. Am I so humble that I think I'm worth less than I really am? Or am I too proud to admit that I wanted something that wasn't good enough for me?
It's probably the latter, because I've basically always had a realistic picture of how good I am. It frustrates me, actually, to be so good, so I guess maybe lowering my standards was a way for me to cover it up. Can't I just admit to my mistakes, learn from them, and teach others? I have my moments where I do that. And they're getting more frequent. But then I have moments where I "crash." Moments where I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then. I frustrate myself...I can't imagine how much I frustrate my friends. Or God, for that matter. I owe Him a million apologies. Maybe something will hit me when I'm in church in a little while. I like those moments. I'm in dire need of one.
She said, "I won't come back." I said, "Don't come back. I'm better off alone." -Casey Donahew Band
Anyone who knows me well enough (so maybe like 3 people) know that I despise Valentine's Day. Because it's only cool for the k-5th grade crowd.
However, this Valentine's Day was pretty sweet for me. If you've read my blog/followed me on facebook, twitter, or Pinterest, you know that the past couple months have been rough on a couple of accounts. One of those is the friend who abandoned me. Anyone who knows me knows we were more than friends, because I've finally admitted it to about a thousand people the past month.
Well I've been playing detective the past couple months, trying to figure out what the fuck happened. And today, I was told a true story by a subject in said story. And it was a life-changing revelation. For the first time in months, I don't have to wonder what I did wrong. I've literally spent months now, rehashing every detail of this friendship/relationship, trying to figure out what I did. And the truth is...nothing. I am completely innocent in this. I didn't do anything to cause him to abandon me, the fact is, he just wasn't being a good enough friend for me and if I had to analyze it, he felt/maybe still feels guilty about it. But it doesn't matter. Because the truth sets you free. And for the first time in a long time, I will sleep through the night tonight.
I can't imagine how my dad felt when he called me Thursday. He called me about 5 minutes after he normally gets home from work, when I was in the middle of my favorite class and told me to call him later, not to worry about it, he just wanted to talk. He called me less than an hour later and told me I'd better come home, we'll talk when I get there.
I left class immediately and high-tailed it for the parking lot, got in my car, and drove well over the speed limit the whole way home. I knew what it was. In my heart, I knew, but I wouldn't let my mind get carried away. I got home just as it was starting to get dark and sprinted (in my best boots, jeans, and sweatshirt) through the mud over to where my beloved Tim lay in his stall, turned to face me, but not braying at me as he normally does. I fell to my knees and wrapped my arms/body around his neck and head and just cried hysterically for about an eternity (maybe it was like 3 minutes). I heard my dad come up behind me, and his voice broke when he spoke, he was crying too. I'm not sure what was said but I got the message, something happened (probably with Tim's back, which had been broken as a young dude) and he couldn't stand up anymore. The vet would be coming in the morning. (I can't imagine what it was like to be in my dad's shoes, to tell his beloved daughter to come home, knowing that he was going to have to see me completely fall apart over this. He's a good man-I wasn't planning on coming home this weekend. A lesser man would've let me find out on my own when I came home next weekend.)
We went inside for supper and it was silent for a while as the four of us ate. Dad and I kept almost crying (well...okay I was actually crying), Chris looked like he'd been doing drugs (he's a little too macho to cry in front of us), and Mom was keeping it together cause she's Mom, and that's what you have to do sometimes. At one point Dad said, "You can tell how seriously we take our mules by how somber it is in this house right now."
I went out after supper and sat with Tim, trying to hold it together for his sake. I rubbed his ears and head a lot, and he seemed to like it, but I could tell he was upset about not being able to really move. After a while he stopped eating and laid flat out so I gave him a final hug and went inside for the night. There was a lot of crying and not much sleep between the four of us that night.
I woke up before 6 Friday morning with a feeling I can't even describe. On one hand, I couldn't wait for the vet to get there and end Tim's misery. On the other hand, I'm selfish by nature. Dad and I sat in the kitchen together in silence until it was light, then I went out and sat with Tim while Dad made preparations for what needed to be done. It was hard to put a smile on my face, but I figured Tim had absorbed enough of my tears the past 20 years, he didn't need anymore. So I told him how much I loved him and what a blessing he was and, of course, "You'll always be my #1 man." Of course when Dad came over for the last little while, neither of us could hold it together. I was anxious for the vet to get there, but when he came, I realized it was too soon. Dad and I went inside and cried and hugged each other, both of us were losing a best friend.
After the vet left, Chris got out of bed and helped Dad. I tried to help, but apparently my body couldn't function anymore. So I stood around in the way while Dad and Chris did what needed to be done, and we gave Tim a real nice funeral. For me, the rest of Friday was easier after that. No more tears for a while, but it was mostly cause I ran out. My body and mind and soul were completely numb. I slept for over 11 hours that night, but I woke up a lot. It was kind of hard for me because I didn't really know what to do or how to act. I wanted to cry as many tears as Tim deserved, but I knew me crying wasn't helping Dad, so I tried to act strong. Mostly I acted lost.
Yesterday it was snowing and I postponed going outside as long as possible so I didn't have to see the empty stall. Dad, Mom, and I looked through every photograph in the house all morning, looking at all the mules we've had over the years, and talking about how blessed we were to have Tim around for 25 years. He really was a blessing in so many ways. He taught us everything there is to know about donkeys, and he absorbed my tears and hugged me (literally wrapped his neck around me) when I went through a growing pain. I don't know what he means to my dad, mom, or brother, but to me, he was everything all rolled into one. I don't even know what I feel right now, but there's definitely an emptiness.
I don't expect anyone to understand what I'm going through-I suppose it's just the grieving process-but it was nice last night when I went to an ISU function, and half a dozen people came up and told me they were sorry to hear about my loss. I was numb enough (thanks to a large booze supply and someone to drive me) to have a really good time, so I kinda brushed it off. But it's going to be hard to go home next weekend, knowing he's not there anymore. I thought about him a lot when he was alive (like a few times every day) and now I'm constantly thinking about him, there's a constant ache.
I went outside yesterday afternoon for a couple hours cause I wanted to be alone. I went over to his grave and told him how much I missed him/was gonna miss him, and cried heartily for a bit. Then when I walked back through the mule lot, my spare mule, May, was off by herself. I went over to her and she wrapped her head around me like Tim used to, like she was hugging me back. Then, because it was warm, wet snow and the ground was slick, the mules and I played for a while. They had me laughing through my tears, and pretty soon I was just laughing. I shook my head and pawed the ground just like they were doing, and ran with them, only with a slight advantage-I was making snowballs and throwing them at random mules until finally all 9 were participating in the festivities. (This is one of the reasons I see Tim as a father figure...obviously I relate more to mules than to humans, which is why I struggle so much during the week when I'm an hour and a half away.)
I don't want to have to talk about it for a while. It was nice when my dad, mom, brother and I were talking about different memories we had, but for now that chapter's closed. I just want to grieve appropriately for a while; Tim deserves it, after all he's done for me my entire life. I honestly have no idea how to survive without him, cause I've never known a day without him in my life, but I reckon I'll manage. Knowing that my dad's with me is semi-comforting. Like, it's nice to know that he understands/relates, but I feel sorry for him because he's going through the same loss I am. Guess it's all part of life/growing up.
This song is fitting for my irreplaceable "Timmy boy," cheers to you, my friend.
