Frustrations

Keep your head, heels, and standards high. - Rules of a Lady (I saw it on Pinterest)


One of the most frustrating things in life, for me, is that I don't want all the good things I get. I lower standards and expectations just to keep people around. I did that for a guy; I lowered my standards to an embarrassing level and accepted treatment that I'm appalled at, really. And I wonder if it has damaged me, in some way, on a permanent level. Obviously there's deep wounds and they're taking "forever" to heal.


I'm way smarter than what I lowered myself to. My friends don't have to tell me I'm better than that, because I know I am. But here I am, knowing full well that God is trying to give me better things, and I'm just begging for less. Stupid, I know. Am I so humble that I think I'm worth less than I really am? Or am I too proud to admit that I wanted something that wasn't good enough for me? 


It's probably the latter, because I've basically always had a realistic picture of how good I am. It frustrates me, actually, to be so good, so I guess maybe lowering my standards was a way for me to cover it up. Can't I just admit to my mistakes, learn from them, and teach others? I have my moments where I do that. And they're getting more frequent. But then I have moments where I "crash." Moments where I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then. I frustrate myself...I can't imagine how much I frustrate my friends. Or God, for that matter. I owe Him a million apologies. Maybe something will hit me when I'm in church in a little while. I like those moments. I'm in dire need of one.